We’re at that Age

{I promise I’ll recap #BiSC soon. I have ALL THE FEELINGS, and I haven’t processed them yet.}

…

My best friend’s mother died this morning at approximately 5am.

I am pretty sure it hasn’t sunk in yet–the fact that J’s mother is gone. In the interests of full disclosure, this woman and I didn’t always have the best relationship. I broke up with J our freshman year of college after a year and a half together. We’ve remained friends since then, and she never forgave me for hurting him. I understand it. I feel badly that we were never able to reconcile.

My heart hurts for my dear friend. I can’t imagine how he’s feeling, and all I can come up with are the very contrived sounding “I’m so sorry” and “What can I do?” and “I’m praying for you”. I feel like I should have more to offer a person who’s been in my life for almost ten years. I also have to accept that whatever I have is enough-I can only give what I can. The best thing I can do right now is get my butt in the chapel and spend some time praying for J and his mother.

In the nine years or so that I’ve been in J’s life, we’ve had some time where we’ve been inseparable, but for the last six months or so things have been a little distant. He’s been dating someone for about a yearish and I haven’t met her yet. He’s kept us apart on purpose, and that doesn’t lead to a whole lot of hang out time with the other female, me. I understand this.

I’ve lost contact with most of our old friends. I moved away and am terrible at keeping in touch with people–the next time I expected to see them was at his wedding. Now, instead, we’ll all be brought back together at a funeral. I’m sad that it required a death to bring the old gang back together. I’m also vainly nervous about how I look compared to three or four years ago, the last time I saw most of them. I feel so shallow for admitting that, but I don’t want to look like the pathetic ex girlfriend who is still single.

Tomorrow will be an exercise in:

1. keeping my cool and not breaking down in tears

2. being very, very nice to the new girlfriend

3. trying to prove to all the old friends that I’m successful, and all that

4. survival