So, the woman I love is now firmly entrenched in another beautiful, permanent relationship. The one with the child growing in her stomach.

I’m still reeling. It’s been 48hoursish since I found out, and I’m still not sure how I feel about it. I must be happy for her. I must. And yet, I’m still incredibly sad. For the official death of any chance I had. For the forward progress in her life. I feel like I can’t be sad about it, and I am.

My mantra at the moment: I am enough, even in my anger. I am allowed to feel….. whatever I feel towards her. I don’t have to justify them.

I’ve never seen myself as a biological mother. That fact is a deal breaker in most straight relationships (at least the ones I’ve found myself in). I’ve known that J wanted children… and always assumed that she would have them. I’m not opposed to children…

All I can think about is that child. And how, crazily enough, all I want to do is be the other mother. The one holding my love’s hand in the delivery room, the second person to cradle that baby in her arms. The partner I always assumed I’d end up as.

She’s coming back through town next weekend. I agreed to have her crash at my place before I knew anything of this. We’ve known each other for 5 years, and only once have we seen each other and not shared a bed. {Paris, 2009, I sought refuge with her when I was dumped 2 days into my 16 day European adventure. I went back to J–because we always come back to each other. I slept on a cot in her room for 3 nights–we didn’t share her twin bed. I was grieving and she was seeing someone. And yet. She let me in. She cared for me. How can I not do the same?}

My bed is a sanctuary. Four posters, wrought iron, big fluffy pillows. I share it with my laptop and my phone. It’s a precious thing, this place where I can “rest and pray”. Can I share this with her, knowing that she is moving towards something and someone else? If I can’t, what does this say about me? Am I not strong enough to take care of her the way she has always taken care of me? Or is it out of self preservation that I can’t be there for her right now?

Am I allowed to tell her “no, I can’t see you next weekend”? Is that cowardly or a showing of strength?

She will come back to me next weekend. She always does.

She’s moving on without me. I’m not going to be that person. I don’t know how to be anything else.

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6 thoughts on “On Sharing a Home (and a bed).

  1. Only do as much as you can. It’s not fair to either of you to push your feelings aside and take care of you only to hurt yourself. If you don’t think you can have her in your house at all, I would say let her know as soon as possible. If you’re ok having her over but not sharing a bed, offer her your bed and stay on the couch yourself.

    I know that desire to want to help her even in sacrifice of yourself, but the only way to truly be happy for her is to be comfortable with it, and you can’t force that. It will only come with time.

    1. It’s hard to remind myself that sometimes as much as I want to be there, I shouldn’t.

      The time between knowing and being comfortable is frustrating, ya know? I know it just has to happen… but still. I want to skip the messy in between part, right?

  2. This is a tough situation but i agree with Katherine’s advice. You should definitely let her know what your feeling and see if she still wants to come, if she does it would probably be best for both of you to sleep separately.

  3. I don’t know what to tell you. I think you are fully entitled to be hurt and sad and you know what? No one says you HAVE to be happy for her. Eventually, you will get there. But for now, take care of yourself. Feel your feelings.

    And if you can’t be around her right now, then don’t. You need to heal. It’s kind of a big blow to you and your heart, and it’s never easy to be around the source of your pain.

    My heart hurts for you. All I can do is offer Internet hugs.

    1. You’re right–I don’t have to be happy for her. Right now, I’m allowing myself to be angry and hurt. And probably 18 other things during the course of a day, but mostly hurt.

      I’m trying to write out the phone call I’m going to her re: I can’t see her anymore. I haven’t figured anything coherent out, so I’m afraid all I’ll be able to say is that I love her and can’t handle her moving on. That statement brings up all sorts of things, though, but I don’t know anything else.

      Thank you for the kind words. *hugs*

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